Surgery has Improved Me

Hello World, meet the new and improved Kevin.

I am happier, more positive, and enjoy a better outlook on things. I definitely was not a negative person before surgery but as impossible as it may seem my personality has improved.

Allow me to elaborate.

I have changed A LOT since surgery. My personality is definitely not the same as before I had the surgery. This past week I have came to the realization I have changed. And to be honest, I hope these changes are permanent. I asked my work partner if she has noticed a changed in me since surgery because I feel like I have changed. She told me that I'm happier and a lot more positive. The unimaginable thing is that I think I'm even more outgoing.

The only thing I am taking for granted right now is the fact I don't feel run down and tired all the time. However, even though my overall mood has improved, I don't necessarily think my overall personality has changed. When I look in the mirror I still see me weighing 372 lbs. I still have the same self image that I had before surgery. My brain has not caught up with my physical changes.

I have seen people who have negatively changed since surgery and those are the people who put on the fake act to compensate for being overweight. When it comes to how I interact with people I would like to believe I'm genuine. I'm definitely not nice to people just to make them like me. I believe I learned at an early age that if someone doesn't like me then it's their loss. I think the big the biggest factor is that I never saw myself as a 'fat person'. I didn't let my weight define who I am now or what I can do with our lives. For me, it has gotten in the way but it never defined who I was. Also, I think the biggest thing resisting change is the fact that I liked myself before surgery. I think the ones who change hated themselves before surgery.

Like I said above, when I think of myself, it's like the new and improved Kevin and not the Kevin that became Jack after surgery.

Self Image

I've never been one to hate myself for being overweight. And even when I was 372 lbs I never thought I looked that heavy. Basically stated, I never let my weight define who or what I was or am.

I'm not sure if it's this attitude causing the delay in my brain recognizing the changes or if it's other factors but when I look at myself in the mirror I really do not see a change. However, if I see a reflection of myself in a window or some other surface where it's not a direct image I do not recognize the man I'm seeing.

I am thinking my brain will catch up and that the change is happening so fast it's having a hard time catching up.

Literally, the only time I see the rather stark progress is when I look at my before photo and the most recent photo.

Why do I post shirtless pics?

The answer is simple. I'm hoping someone will find my journal and see real life expectations. Everyone looks great with clothes on but I don't want to hide anything. Plus, it really lets me see the progress I'm making. Enough said.

3 Months Post Op

According to the Wii Fit I now weigh 287. That makes for a weight loss of 85 lbs since surgery. Since my last update I'm now wearing a size 2xl uniform shirt. This is down from a very tight 3xl shirt. I'm not sure if I trust the Wii Fit's weight estimate. I return to the surgeon tomorrow for my 3 month check up and we'll see how accurate it really is.

Eating...

I'm two and a half months out and I've been facing quite an odd psychological battle.

Feeling full.

Let's face it, if I felt full when I would eat before the surgery I would not be in the position I am in today. For the past few years I could eat a lot of food in one sitting and not feel full. And if by some miracle I actually would feel full I would feel guilty because the realization of how much I just ate would set in. Through classical conditioning the feeling full eventually led to feelings of guilt.

Over the past two months things have changed so fast that my brain is still trying to catch up with my physical changes. And now when I eat half a cup of food and feel full I first feel guilty and then I realize I just ate half a cup of food and I'm feeling full for a very different reason now. However, in some corner of my mind I still feel guilty.

I have done much better in learning my limit of food intake. My big helper has been Weight Watchers Smart Ones and Stouffer's Lean Cuisine. Their portions are perfect for me. I can spread them out over two meals and they are quite tasty. I am also not too worried about the sodium content because they are my only real source of sodium throughout the day. I have also slacked off on the protein shakes and have started trying to get all of my protein through meals.

Considering my new stomach can only hold 3-4oz of food I am forced to make every meal count and not eat crap. I try to make smart choices by eating high protein foods or fruits and vegetables.

Socially, I am still having a difficult time adjusting to my new stomach. So much of my social life revolves around food. I really have to work on slowing my eating down. That way I can pace myself with everyone else. The other thing I have decided is that when I go out to a restaurant I will share an entree with whomever I'm with. This really takes the pressure of eating off.

All in all, I'm slowly working on things and each week is better than the last.